I used to have an arch enemy: my mind.
Not only was it home to so many bugs, it used to do a very strange thing. When someone thought I was interesting, it would mutter ‘Ha ha, they don’t know you yet.’ When someone said I looked pretty, my mind would grumble back: ‘You? Pretty? Yeah, right! Should have gone to Specsaver’ or if it was in a slightly more positive mood, ‘That’s very likely because you were having an unusually good hair day that day. You’d better not spoil the good image they have of you by running into them again.’
No matter how vehemently I chanted to the contrary with tight fists, my mind wouldn’t have any of it. It’s so stubborn and set in its own opinions that even in the face of clear proof, it still wouldn’t cave in.
It’s so strong it’s always easiest just to let it win. I avoided people who were in danger of finding me interesting and thinking highly of me. I just felt so stressed out trying to keep up the appearance. After all, it was only a matter of time before they found out how uncool I really was. I also avoided people who thought lowly of me. They made me feel even worse.
But there was one type of people I was comfortable with. The ones who weren’t interested enough in me to think either one way or the other about me. They probably wouldn’t notice if I was replaced by a different girl. As long as one of their needs was met by having me in their life, they didn’t have any reason to even look up. Perfect. I could be alone without feeling lonely. I thought I was a genius to have found that state of being.
The problem was, after years of playing invisible, I got bored with it. There’s only so much invisibility a girl can take.
So I decided that I would play the opposite game: I would make friends with my mind. I tried all sorts of ways to get it to think highly of me. It dragged its heels and refused to cooperate because it was so used to low opinions of me all my life that it didn’t know how to think otherwise.
It took years and a lot of work to gradually get my mind to revise its opinion of me. I have taken numerous courses and read countless books. Some books swore at me and told me to get on with it no matter what emotional state I was in. Some books forbade me to say certain words such as ‘don’t,’ ‘can’t,’ ‘no,’ and ‘not’. I found that it’s pretty difficult not to use those words in day-to-day language though.
And what happens if someone asks me a question?
‘Do you smoke?’
‘No, I don’t.’
‘Sorry?’
‘….. I …..’
‘Pardon?’
‘ … I …’
By this point, the other side would have sensibly assumed that they should keep a safe distance from me as soon as possible, and left, taking their cigarette with them.
Some books gently held my hand, patted my head and said in a soppy voice, ‘Of course you’re like that. It’s not your fault. Let’s look at your childhood. What happened back then?’
Although progress has been slow, I started seeing the difference from the beginning of 2019. On top of all that I’ve done and am still doing towards making progress, the one thing that really has triggered a significant result for me is my own recorded voice.
I recorded a series of messages that say things along the lines of:
‘I am good enough as I am right now.’
‘I always work to improve myself every day and I get better every day.’
‘I like the person I am today and tomorrow when I am even better, I’ll like myself then too.’
I also added in specific behaviours I would like to exhibit in the recordings.
However if I say something that is not believable to me, it doesn’t work for me. For example, if I say, ‘I am likable. People like me and they like to be around me.’ That always brings up the face of a woman who seemingly took a dislike to me in my previous job. That in turn gives my brain a chance to say ‘Ha ha, who are you kidding?’
Whereas the statements feel true, my mind is quiet and can’t find anything to retort. It’s true that I always work to improve myself. It’s also true that I am good enough as I am right now. (My mind can just about accept it without throwing up.)
Basically, the short messages highlight the positive things about myself that feel true to me from the core and in the specific area that I am looking to improve. I play it every morning for about an hour while I go about things. The recording is like background music. I just let it talk directly to my mind so that it is gradually changing its view of me, effectively brainwashing myself.
Since I have started this practice, I have fewer down days. I used to swing between days when I felt good about myself and days when I felt an absolute loser. Now, my down days are few and far between.
I can’t claim that I don’t fall prey to self-doubt and low self-esteem anymore. But I am light years ahead of where I was before. And I expect to improve more and more as the time goes on.
This brainwashing concept relies on the fact that if you repeat something often enough, you start to believe it. But I think it works only if it feels believable to you in the first place. If you keep saying to yourself that you love your job when you clearly don’t, it’ll probably backfire on you. On the other hand, if you say you’re taking consistent action towards the job you love, that will feel a lot truer to you and over time with enough repetition, you will believe it and your behaviour will change.
So, good luck manipulating yourself to gradually become the person you want to be.